


Two Bros Chilling in a Bathtub

by TheyKilledAlice



Category: South Park
Genre: Aged Up, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, there will probably be peen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-06-30 20:14:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15758886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheyKilledAlice/pseuds/TheyKilledAlice
Summary: Loving is not easy when you're an immortal soul, and the one you're pining after is the literal embodiment of a ray of sunshine. But Kenny is determined once and for all to confess what he's feeling deep inside to the person most important to him.SP boys are already teenagers.





	1. Memento Mori

**Author's Note:**

> I did a thing for a friend and myself. 
> 
> Cartman, as always, is cockblock nr. 1 even when he's not around.
> 
> Any thoughts of comments would be greatly appreciated, it's my first time writing South Park.

 

It was harder than Kenny had ever imagined. The day before he had spent the majority of his time quietly googling how to do it, but in practice it was so much worse than he had even  anticipated. All the signs were there: heart pounding nearly out of his chest, clammy hands, the words stuck in his throat. He knew he had to say them, and he had to say them _now_. Some eerie feeling crept up on him, filling him with a senseless dread. If he did not do it now, it would be too late.

So there he stood, gazing right into the lovely face of the boy he had grown to love. Butters returned his anxious gaze with a relaxed smile, before going back to the papers spread before them on the ground. 

It was a rare sunny afternoon in South Park, Colorado.

Kenny and Butters were currently in the Stotch’s household, up in Butter’s room, working on some bullshit assignment that took up way too much of their time. Kenny didn’t mind though. He didn’t mind spending all those afternoons here, away from his constantly arguing parents. Not that the Stotch’s were any better, but at least Butters was here - and that cancelled out everything else. Although he himself had caused Butters quite some problems, Butter easily forgave his wrongdoings.

Over the years, he and Butters had become quite close, having to deal with the shenanigans of the others. Butters usually took it with a smile and a “It’s okay fellas”, which is why Kenny had started concerning himself more with the boy’s well being. Someone had to do it, and his protective ‘big brother’ personality drove Kenny to Butters. He was the one listening to Butters at night, explaining him that he was not to be blamed for his parents’ illogical grounding rules. When the others made fun of him, he silently put a hand on his back, letting him know it was all okay. In the same manner, Butters had saved Kenny several times. Every night Kenny showed up at his doorstep, feeling miserable, Butters sneaked him into his room - at the risk of being grounded again. He ranted about the heavy burden of his curse, and Butters humoured him by listening, nodding thoughtfully and just, by being there. He might not have believed what Kenny was saying, but he never flat-out denied it either. Butters had stayed that same innocent, warm, loving and sweet boy even now. Truly, he was Kenny’s guiding ray of sunshine, the memory of a warm sunday afternoon, his best friend, his most important person.

And he was about to ruin it all. When Kenny had first realised that the air around Butters seemed to be different, he had been shocked by his own feelings. Before, he always had been know to love the ladies, and was quite proactive when it came to getting a peek of a pair of boobs. But his interest had shifted, and suddenly Kenny yearned not for the sight of a bountiful cup, but for the warm smile on an ever-glowing blonde teenage boy. Slowly, he felt a growing ache in his chest, getting stronger each day. Every word, every smile, every small touch just made it worse, more unbearable and harder for Kenny (figuratively and literally, he was a teenage boy after all). No longer could he deny that yes, Kenny McCormick had fallen in love. Ironically, Cartman had been right all along. That the person turned out to be a boy was the furthest thing from his mind. After all, everyone seemed to accept Craig and Tweek well enough. Physically, there also didn’t seem to be a problem. Just the image of Butters had gotten him off many times, alone in his room, voice muffled in his pillow. He couldn’t help but call out Butters’ name during those times, as if soundlessly mouthing it would summon the boy he yearned for right into his bedroom. His raging hormones made everything only messier, and he often had to concentrate on horrible images to calm himself down- Cartman usually did the trick. One thing was certain, he was all in.

What plagued Kenny more was the never-ending doubt. What if Butters didn’t feel the same way? It was not too long ago that they had bonded over the bountiful beauty of womanly curves, and the only relationship Butters had been in before had been with a girl. So, how would he react when Kenny finally confessed this secret locked deep inside? Would he be disgusted or feel betrayed that the person closest to him had been looking at him with that intent? Would he try to laugh it off and pretend no words had ever been uttered? At least that way, Kenny could put on an act and say it was just a joke. “Don’t be so serious, Butters, you know I’m all about the boobs.” He would playfully grope Butter’s chest, saying how it was too flat for his taste. Butters would laugh, relieved, and giggle louder because “Kenny, stop, it tickles”. Nothing would change, they could still go on as friends. 

Kenny swallowed, the heavy chunk in his throat still there. 

“I don’t think I can do that”, he shook his head quickly, dispelling the thought.

Now was not the time for overthinking, it was time to act.  Butters shot him an inquisitive look. Maybe he had overheard him whisper that last part, or maybe he was just wondering why Kenny remained standing when they should be working on their project. He gently pat the ground beside him, inviting Kenny to come sit. Defeated, Kenny sunk to the ground, leaving some space between the two of them. He let out a sigh he didn’t know he had been holding. The heavy pounding in his chest made it hard to focus on the task at hand, and he kept throwing furtive glances in Butters’ direction.

 _Blissfully living in complete obliviousness as always, I see_. A small smile tugged at the corner of his lips. His taste in boys really was the worst. Minutes passed while they worked on some papers. A few short exchanges were the only things that broke the all-consuming silence from time to time.

“Hey, Kenny, do you think we should put this in the presentation as well?” Butters pointed at a bit of info he had found in a library book.

Kenny’s eyes followed the lean fingers, imagining how it would feel to run his tongue across them, licking them and taking them into his mouth, making wet sounds that would embarrass Butters, lying panting underneath him. The image became too vivid, and he blinked before they could be burned into his retinas. This was something for later, when he was alone.  

He realised Butters was still expecting an answer to his question, so he only nodded affirmatively, afraid his voice might give away what he was thinking somehow.

 _“Lecherous coward”_ , Kenny cursed inwardly.

Finally, after hours of trying to focus, they had finished putting the project together. Now all that was left was handing in the paper and giving a short presentation. Butters heaved a big sigh.

“Phew, that really took a long time, didn’t it, Kenny? Thankfully the biggest part is done now.” He stretched out his arms and legs, cramped from holding the same position for hours.

“Yep”, Kenny agreed. Unlike Butters, he didn’t feel like relaxing. For the sake of his own well being, he could no longer put it off. Softly, he cleared his throat, taking on a more formal sitting pose. “Butters”, he started, “I have to tell you something. Something important.”

Intrigued by the serious tone Kenny had taken on, Butters now sat upright, his attention fully focused on what was to come.

Here it was. The big confession.

No words left his mouth. Motionless he sat there, the only thing coming out of his mouth weird croaky sounds that maybe sounded like words, but weren’t. Why was it so hard? Surely, he had everything prepared. He knew that keeping it in wasn’t an option. So why, after all this time mulling it over, did his body betray him at the most crucial time? It was maddening. Kenny was angry with himself, for allowing him to feel this way. To look at Butters and get hit with a swarm of butterflies in his stomach. He was sick and tired of being a living cliché of a boy in love.

“FUCK!” Kenny yelled, startling Butters. He came closer to Kenny, putting a hand on his shoulder as a sign of comfort. Kenny had grown to love these little gestures that Butters seemed to do unconsciously. He loved it all, which just made him madder.

“You alright there, buddy? Something got you down?” Butters asked.

“You.”

It took a while before Butters processed the bitter word Kenny had just said. It sounded angry, and Butters clearly couldn’t comprehend what he had done wrong. He retracted the hand on Kenny’s shoulder and left it hovering mid-air.

“W-what?” A confused look came over Butters’ face.

Almost immediately, Kenny regretted what he said. He knew Butters would take things the wrong way and blame himself.

“It’s not...it’s not like that.” Losing his composure, his eyes turned upwards to look into those of the boy before him. “It’s not your fault. It’s mine.”

At this point, Butters seemed even more confused, but relieved that apparently the source of Kenny’s anger wasn’t something he had done. Yet he still was worried, seeing how Kenny’s face displayed clear agony.

“Listen, Butters. I’m making a whole mess of things and I didn’t want that to happen. In my head, we’ve had this conversation a million times. I’ve run through every possible scenario, thinking I was prepared for this, yet here I am sitting like a stammering idiot.” He tugged hard at a pluck of his messy blonde hair. “It’s just so hard.”

“Kenny, calm down. It’s okay, I’m here. Look, whatever’s bothering you, I won’t know until you tell me, right?” he flashed Kenny an encouraging smile.

Somehow, Butters’ attitude worked infectious, and Kenny could feel how his tense body relax a little. He took a deep breath, trying to focus on getting across what was most important.

“Butters, I love you.”

Butters paused for a brief moment, letting the words sink in. “Really?” he beamed, “I love you too.”

Kenny’s heart almost exploded at that point. “Wait, are you serious right now?” he asked incredulously. This almost seemed too good to be true.

“Of course, you’re my best friend, so I love you!”

Any hope Kenny might have had immediately deflated. He was close to actually facepalming.

“Not that kind of love, Butters. I want to be more than friends. How can I make you understand? I want to do these kinds of things with you-”

Faster than Butters could react, Kenny had already tugged on his arm, bringing him within reach of the boys’ lips. As he pressed them against his own, the last bit of anger seemed to leave his body, making way for a small electric current that kept him in a trance. He could still register the shock on the boy’s face, eyes widened before he was overtaken by another feeling that forces him to close his eyes.

 _So this is how his lips feel_ , he thought distractedly.

It wasn’t a particular good kiss, too desperate and quick to be really enjoyable, but it made the point get across. Friends wouldn’t do this sort of thing, not even best friends.

As their lips parted, Butters gasped for air, more out of surprise than anything else.

His face was flushed red, lips still alluringly wet from the surprise kiss. Kenny licked his lips at the sight, almost ready to go again.

Hiding behind his hand, Butters shyly glanced at Kenny. “Uhm, s-so you wanna be like special friends?”

Kenny arched an eyebrow. “Special friends?”

The other boy nodded quickly. “Uh yeah, Cartman told me about it. That you can have a special friend that you do naughty stuff with, because you have urges. He told me you can have a lot of special friends.”

Kenny groaned: “Cartman, that fuck, of course he’s ruining things again.”

Quickly, he grabbed Butters by the shoulders, pulling him closer so he could have his undivided attention.Kenny selected every word carefully, rolling it around in his mind before uttering it so there wouldn’t be another misunderstanding. After all, Butters wasn’t stupid. Just very naive, and very, _very_ oblivious to any kind of romantic hint.

“Butters Stotch. I want to be more than your best friend. And I don’t want to be a ‘special friend’ either. I want to be your boyfriend”. Rather quickly he added: “Of course I want to do naughty stuff too, very much so, but I want more than just that. Again, also really want to do the naughty stuff, just saying.” He averted his gaze, afraid of the answer he might find in the endless pools staring back at him. “If- if you find this disgusting, I understand. I can try… I can try to make these feelings go away and be just your friend.”

A crushing silence fell over the room. He could feel Butters body twitching underneath his hands, but he didn’t want to let go yet. Not yet.

Then, in the tiniest voice, a whisper. “Okay.”

His head whipped up so fast it almost resulted in a whiplash. “What did you say?”

Louder this time, Butters answered again: “Okay. I want to be your b-boyfriend too, if you’ll have me.” He looked over hesitantly at a perplexed Kenny. ”Hey, can you say it again?”

“What?”

“The thing you first told me. That was hard for you to say.”

Arms encircled Butters’ back, still tentatively, wondering what was already allowed, but Butters fell right into the hug. He moved in closer, his own arms now tightening around Kenny’s waist.

“I love you”, Kenny whispered softly in Butters ear. He was glad the other boy couldn’t see his face right now, his eyes slightly tearing up.

Butters squeezed him a bit. “I love you too, silly”, he laughed heartily. He had probably heard the emotion in Kenny’s voice, but decided not to address it.

There they sat, two blonde teenage boys basking in each other’s warmth. Not a single care in the world.

Until Mr. Stotch’s footsteps could be heard creeping up the stairs and they hastily let go of one another. Kenny threw Butters a sneaky smile which Butters returned, and together they gathered to papers still lying on the floor. To the eye of an outsider, it would seem like nothing suspicious had even transpired, aside from two teenagers diligently working on a school project.

Mr. Stotch turned the doorknob and opened up the door in one fell swoop without knocking as per usual but stayed at the doorpost. “Boys, it’s getting quite late. I think it’s time for Kenny to go home now.” He tried to look imposing, but utterly failed.

Trying very hard to not look as if a major life changing moment had just happened, the two of them nodded obediently at Mr. Stotch and made motions to get up and come down to the living room.

With his authority thoroughly respected, Mr. Stotch went down first, leaving the boys to say their goodbyes.

Kenny offered a hand to help Butters up, his hand lingering even after the boy was planted again on his two own feet. “Walk me out?” he slyly suggested in a honeysweet voice, sweet smile plastered on his face.

“Yeah sure,” Butters beamed, his smile as always so pure and genuine it would melt the coldest person’s heart.

They made their way to the door as slowly as possible, finding excuses to stay together for even a second longer. Suddenly, it is very important that they go over the presentation again, and recheck the paper they made. Very important. Truly.

Alas, all good things come to an end, and in a sad turn of events, they reached to front door all too quickly. As Kenny took his first step outside the house and into the dark, unwelcoming night, he immediately noticed the lack of warmth. Not the warmth of the house, but of the boy he had to leave behind, at least for today.

He could read a similar regret on Butters’ face, which made him feel slightly better. After making sure that the Stoch’s aren’t looking anymore, Kenny took Butters’ hand in his once again and placed a small kiss on his cheek. Despite the cold, Kenny felt like he was glowing inside, as he could see how Butters cheeks are adorned with a slight pink - definitely not caused by the cold weather. He allowed himself a triumphant smile but didn’t anticipate Butters immediately returning the favour with enthusiasm. Now it was his turn to feel his face heat up. This was more than unexpected.

“ _But_ ”, he thought, “ _something I could definitely get used to_.”

It still felt unreal, all of this happening. Months and months of agonizing over something that now seemed so simple. Kenny could not have been happier, for once in his life, luck was on his side.

A heavy sigh left his mouth as he said his final goodbye to Butters, reluctantly untangling his fingers from the other one. Even as he left their driveway and walked onto the pavement, Butters still refused to go inside.

“Butters, you idiot, go inside before you catch a cold”, Kenny shouted.

“In a minute”, he answered gleefully.

“Idiot”, he repeated, shaking his head side to side.

_He’s my idiot now, though._

As he shoved his hands deeper into his pockets and prepared to brace the cold night’s air, Kenny could hear a distinct sound not too far away. It sounded like… a weird horn, and a heavy thudding. He had heard it before, but couldn’t quite put his finger on it. As he wondered what exactly the sound was what distracted him from his delightful thoughts of Butters, the horn sounded again, only much, much louder. Then it came to him, in a flash, at the same moment as his surprised silhouette turned around and was greeted by a blinding light. It was a truck. The driver kept honking his horn, signalling he had lost control over his vehicle. A vehicle that was headed straight for Kenny.

In his long life, Kenny had come to know one thing: at a certain point, you know there’s nothing you can do anymore to save your life. It was a terrible piece of information Kenny had learned the hard way, time and time again. When that moment comes, everything fades into the background. The loud noise of the truck, Butters screaming with a horrified look on his face. It was too late. The impact was so sudden his sense of pain didn’t immediately kick in, which was at least a blessing. He wouldn’t have to suffer that much, as the truck slung his body several meters into the air. Coming back down to the ground was more painful, but his conscience was already drifting away, so it didn’t matter.

The last thing he registered was Butters, tears streaming down his face, holding what was left of his body in trembling hands. Lips formed his name, but he couldn’t hear it anymore. There was only the image of his boyfriend, crying over his corpse, and then, nothing.

 

 _Fuck_.

  



	2. REW

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's hard being a cursed immortal, in love with a dense sunshine boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone get this boy some ice cream.
> 
> (TY for kudos and commenting, your comments keep me going)

If you had ever asked Kenny whether he believed in a bright white light at the end of the tunnel, he would have told you it was complete and utter bullshit, some story people made up to feel better. He had basked in the same light numerous times, but it had never been warm or inviting. Instead, it was freezing cold, ice running through your veins while a curse pulls you back into a regenerating body. How he would have cried out if only there was someone to hear it. But the light felt so terribly lonely. Death was not beautiful.

As he slowly blinked his eyes, gradually drifting back into existence, he once more realised that more than death, the endless cycle of living was even uglier.

"Fuck."

It was often the first thought that ran across his mind. While his eyes adjusted to the dim light of the morning sun- what was left of his orange curtains after the need for a new parka didn't block anything out-, he surveyed the familiar environment. The creaking of his worn-out bed. The stains of his second-hand mattress, and the suspicious draft that always seemed to come from somewhere, even though he could never really discover where exactly.

 

They were the sights, sounds and smells of his childhood years. If he concentrated, he could even hear the muffled shouts of his parents, arguing as usual about some trivial matter.

Which meant that once again, the curse had taken a hold of him. It was almost as if some higher entity derived a great personal pleasure from making Kenny suffer, time and time again. The curse spat in his face. Kenny made motions to get up from his bed, his newformed body still sore, and he swore he could hear a mysterious laughing from somewhere deep inside his mind.

Dwelling on his accursed fate would not do, however. Sadly, there were no days off from school, even for immortals.

Kenny got up with a groan, his bed frame screeching when he shifted his body towards the edge. His head pounded viciously - a testament from his collision with the truck yesterday perhaps or just his body adjusting to existence yet again. Suddenly, a vision from the previous night jolted him fully awake in an instant. Butters, a tearstained face, and blood. So much blood. Kenny shook his head to get rid of that horrible vision, but it stuck to the back of his eyes like glue. Over and over the scene played and he was unable to stop it. He tore at his hair in anguish, which was a horrible way to start the morning. Every sweet memory he had of Butters was overwritten by the horrible night. Kenny could no longer stay in his room thinking about it so quickly he threw on his old clothes and made a beeline for the kitchen. The McCormicks were all gathered there in their usual setup: Mom and dad yelling, the other two kids eating Poptarts, long grown numb to the bickering.

 

Karen uttered a small "Good morning, Kenny", and he ruffled her hair lovingly. From the table he picked up some leftover Poptarts that he didn't even bother to heat up before shoving them into his mouth. The bus was going to arrive soon and he still had to make his way to the bus stop. Backpack slung over one shoulder, he waved a quick goodbye to his siblings and dashed out the house like a madman.

 

There was one thing Kenny desperately needed to confirm. He could feel his heart squeeze painfully when he thought about what had transpired yesterday. What he feared even more was how today would pan out. The only way to find an answer was to see for himself to what extent the curse had done its work.

He could hear the voices of Stan, Kyle and Cartman as his tired legs came to a rest at the stop. Five more minutes until the bus arrived. Five minutes too long. Stan acknowledged Kenny with a slight nod, then gestured towards Kyle and Cartman while shaking his head. The other two were up to their usual antics. Cartman being a terrible human being and Kyle feeling like he had to rectify whatever horrible nonsense Cartman had just spewed. Stan occasionally tried to get between them and calm them down because “Goddamn, it’s too early in the morning for this shit.” Any other day Kenny would have tried to zone out, but now the arguing voices were amplified in his head, which made it hard to focus on the one thing that mattered right now: in five minutes, he would see Butters. He would look into the eyes of the one he loved, his yesterday boyfriend, and confirm the most horrible of truths.

Time had a way of screwing with humans. Too fast when things were fun, but always too agonizingly slow when you needed things to go faster. Those few minutes seemed to crawl by. Meanwhile, Kenny was unwillingly dragged into the conversation about how Cartman’s mom refusing to buy him a Nintendo Switch was basically child abuse. Cartman tried to rally him and get him on his side, putting a hand around his shoulder as a way to show camaraderie.

 

“Don’t you agree, Kenny? I mean, if your parents had actual money they would HAVE to buy you stuff. That’s why you have parents in the first place, they have to buy you stuff or else you can report them for abuse. But no, my mom decides to fuck me and not even buy me dinner first.”

Cartman looked smugly at Kenny, hand tightening around his shoulder. After all those years, he had grown numb to Cartman’s horrible comments on his financial situation. It’s not like he was much better off. More than an incomprehensible mutter and a shoulder shrug was all Cartman got out of Kenny. Money was nice, but right now, he’d give everything he had (and didn’t have) to just be rid of the curse.

“Shut up, Cartman,” Kyle cleverly replied. “Your mom gives you everything you need already, fatass. If you want a Switch that bad, just go get some part-time job and earn the money yourself.” How he still had the energy to argue daily was beyond Kenny’s comprehension, but he was glad to have at least one decent friend.

“A job? That’s rich coming from a money-grabbing Jew. Don’t you all get your money by stealing from others? You want to talk to me about honestly earning a living?”

As usual, Cartman’s argument was completely off the mark and very offending. Things never changed here in South Park, Colorado. At least, they barely did.

 

Finally, the bus was there. Swallowing down the sudden surge of anxiety, he got on with trembling legs. Kenny steadied himself when the doors closed and the bus started moving again. The bus was filled with a cacophony of teenagers and voices, but Kenny’s eyes sought out the one face he wanted desperately to see. It was way too hot on the bus, the windows dampened from the inside by the difference between temperatures inside and outside the vehicle. Squinting harder and leaning from behind Cartman’s back, he saw it. From somewhere at the back of the bus, he could see the tuft of familiar blonde hair sticking out. With a small nudge, he urged Cartman -still in a heated ‘discussion’ with Kyle- to move the fuck on. Cartman turned his head with a scowl to say that Kenny should chill, there were more than enough seats left. Once the bickering couple finally took a seat, Stan offered the one next to him to Kenny. His eyes still trailed on the back of Butters had, Kenny mustered the politest smile he could muster while he was a bag of nerves and shook his head.

“I have something to talk about with Butters… about the project,” he excused himself.

“Oh okay man, didn’t know the presentation was that big of a deal.” Stan turned towards Kyle and tapped him on the shoulder. “Hey dude, are you sure we’re okay for that project. I feel like we didn’t spend that much time on it and-“

Kenny was no longer listening and dashed as fast as possible towards Butters. The last few steps felt like pure agony, but there he was greeted with a beaming smile and a “Good morning, Kenny!”

He saw everything in that smile and his heart surged for a moment, realizing for the hundredth how much he was in love. Then his eyes turned upwards to look into those of Butters. There was a natural warmth, a look without any real malice. One that invited to sit down and have a chat, appreciate life and see the beautiful things in the world.

Nothing more, nothing less.

At that moment, Kenny’s hopes crumbled. He felt the strength leave his body and almost fell into the seat next to Butters on the cramped buss seat. What did he expect? That Butters somehow magically remembered him, while everyone else couldn’t, not even his parents? That the curse wouldn’t be as cruel as to take away any memory of a desperate love confession? He hid his face in his hands, biting away the tears that threatened to fall.

Butters noticed how Kenny’s face had fallen and put a comforting hand on the thick orange parka. It was a gesture Kenny knew all too well. How many times had he be saved by that simple sign of kindness, that showed a willingness to listen to whatever was troubling him and share the burden. The problem was, it wasn’t his alone. Butters did that to anyone who seemed in trouble. Once again, he was nothing more than a _friend_. The realisation hit him harder than the truck did yesterday.

“You okay, buddy?” Butters seemed at a loss. Rightfully so, who would just break down like that after a simple greeting.

_If only he knew. If only he remembered._

Was it really better if he knew the truth, Kenny asked himself. He could still clearly see it in his mind’s eye: Butters’ eyes stained with tears, his cries tearing through Kenny’s very soul. Would he willingly put Butters through this again?

Since Kenny still wasn’t reacting, Butters had moved on to making circling motions on Kenny’s back, something Kenny had done for him in the past as well. It was supposed to calm you down, and usually it did work. Not now, but Kenny didn’t want to cause Butters any more worry, so he did what he got used to doing. Kenny steeled himself and locked away everything, his feelings, his sadness, the horrible images. Sitting upright, he flighty met Butters and showed him the best smile he could muster. “I’m okay now, Butters, just uhm, didn’t sleep well.”

Butters nodded in understanding and removed his hand. “Oh okay then. Hey, if you want to take a nap, I’ll wake you up when we get to school, there’s still twenty minutes left. You really look like you can use it.”

Feeling his smile starting to falter, Kenny pulled the cords of his hood tighter, hiding his face in the safe softness of fake fur.

“I’ll take you up on that offer, then.” He leaned back in the seat, closing his eyes and pretending to go to sleep. Butters decided to give Kenny a little privacy and turned his head towards the window, trying to make out the shapes of the outside world through damped glass.

Kenny was eternally grateful. At least this way, the other boy couldn’t see the silent tears rolling across Kenny’s obscured face.

 

  
The bus ride to school felt like a ride to hell, and not only because it meant you’d have to spend an entire day in school. In the past 24 hours, Kenny had experienced every high and low. Sadly, the way down was a lot longer. Beyond exhausted, he was carefully shaken awake by Butters, who had already put his backpack on. “Kenny, wake up. We’re here.”

He pretended to rub the sleep out of his eyes and stretch. Had it always been this hard to seem casual while you feel like dying inside? Or was this a whole new experience, now that he had tasted, for just a tiny moment, happiness?

With a soft grunt, Kenny ‘awoke’ from his nap and got up from the seat. They were the last ones one the bus, and the driver was starting to shoot them dirty glances. That look might have worked when he was nine, but now one of the perks of being a teenager is that you just don’t care anymore. Antagonizing slow, he made his way to the front of the bus and got off, hands in his pockets. If he had to suffer, so did others.

_Casual. Casual. Don’t think about you dying and the love of your life in tears._

Butters hopped off after him, after shooting the driver an apologizing smile. Leave it to him to be chipper this early in the morning. They made their way to their lockers, where they met up with the other guys. By now, Cartman and Kyle had moved on from the subject of child abuse. Cartman was showing Jimmy something funny on his phone, Kyle was in chatting it away with Stan and Wendy. Stan had slung an arm around Wendy’s waist and for a moment Kenny felt a pang of envy. Why where they allowed to be sickly sweet when he couldn’t even profess his love for someone without getting hit or mauled by whatever? Butters easily joined the conversation that soon turned towards the test they would have second period.

Wendy was, as always, well prepared: “Did you get my notes on that last book, Kenny? It was pretty late when I sent it.”

“Yeah thanks, I skimmed it, it should be fine.” It was only an English test, after all, no reason to freak.

“He’s definitely going to ask something about that last part, he does it every time,” Butters chimed in.

They all nodded in agreement and went some of the other potential questions. Soon enough, the bell signalled the start of another torturous day. Stan gave a quick peck to Wendy as she said goodbye and joined Bebe on their way to Maths. Meanwhile, the rest of the group made their way to the chemistry lab. Nothing is better to start the morning than the smell of stuffy lab coats and potentially deadly chemicals. After last night, Kenny would rather skip the death trap and find some bathroom stall where he could go and feel pathetic for himself.

 

Whatever divine being is up there, they must be exceedingly cruel. Kenny’s day just got worse and worse. He botched his English test, which he would have normally aced, because he was preoccupied with staring at Butters and getting distracted. His Biology teacher called him out several times for not paying attention and gave him an extra assignment. He forgot to bring lunch because he was too focused on seeing Butters again. Life was very shit.

 

While he decided to close off his heart, it was easier said than done. His heart strings kept pulling him in the direction of his soft friend. It was hard to revert back to that casual relationship after having tasted Butters enticing lips, after recalling the small current running through his veins, after having his heart filled with love.

 

By lunch, faking became unbearable. He could handle the others going about their day like Kenny hadn’t died right in front of them multiple times. Not Butters. Every smile, every touch evoked so many memories and Kenny knew it would take a very long time before he would feel whole again. Now sitting next to him on the tattered lunch benches, in the cafeteria that was both too hot and cold at the same time, his last strength started to seep away.

 

 He made up some excuse that he wasn’t feeling well- which wasn’t really an excuse and stood up to go see the nurse.

“Are you really okay though, dude? You’ve been looking bad since this morning,” Kyle asked in a caring voice.

Kenny appreciated the concern. “Wow, thanks,” he answered jokingly. “I’m probably just coming down with something.”

“That’s what you get when you use stuff you find at the landfill, Kenny.”

“Aaand thanks, Cartman”, Kenny rolled his eyes.

Of course, being the good friend he is, Butters simultaneously rose from his seat. When Kenny shot him an inquiring look, he said: “If you’re not feeling well, it’s best to have a buddy with you in case you get sick on the way to the nurse’s office.”

“Buddy…” Kenny repeated barely audible.

“Yep!” Butters took Kenny’s hand in his, like you would a small child that was lost.

The enthusiasm with which Butters replied, stabbed Kenny like a knife in the stomach but the sudden contact caused all-too-familiar flutters.

The other boy started dragging him away from the crowded cafeteria and into the abandoned hallways. When they were alone, Kenny pulled back a bit and released Butters’ hand. He didn’t want to, but the stimulation was a bit too much while his head and heart were in turmoil.

Butters turned around immediately, searching for any signs of illness. “Are you feeling sick? Where does it hurt?” He made quite a fuss, almost causing Kenny to smile. Even if he didn’t remember anything from last night, it was his Butters. A bit clumsy, but always meaning well.

“I don’t need to hold hands, Butters, I know the way.”

Butters suddenly looked down at his own hand, a bit embarrassed and awkwardly rubbed his neck with the other. “Ah well, I kind of did it…unconsciously? Sorry, it must’ve been a bit weird-” He looked at his empty hand again with a slightly scrunched brow and a bit puzzled.

Somewhere in the back of his head, a tiny voice dared to cry out in hope that even though Butters might not consciously remember what happened between them, his body might somehow remember. He squashed that voice before it could grow too loud. He just couldn’t allow himself even the tiniest sliver. In return, he squeezed his own empty hand in response, still feeling the tingling in his fingers.

“It’s ok,” Kenny interjected, before getting too lost in his own thoughts, “Let’s go to the nurse.”

They eventually managed to get there, an awkward silence filling the hallway.

“I’m, uhm, I’m gonna go in now.” Kenny eventually broke the silence.

“Ah yeah, I’ll wait here for you.”

“You don’t have to-” Kenny started, but he knew Butters wouldn’t back down anyways. “Thanks.” It was the first genuine smile that graced his face today, even if it was only for a second.

 One visit to the nurse later, Kenny opened the door of the office with a note in his hand. The nurse had immediately seen that he really was miserable and not just trying to skip PE like so many others. That note to him felt like the golden ticket, his temporary escape out of the hell that was school.

True to his promise, Kenny could see the figure of a skinny blonde boy leaning against the wall, anxiously twiddling his thumbs. When he saw Kenny emerging from the office, his whole face lit up, although his demeanour betrayed a hint of worry.

“What did she say?” he inquired, his eyes falling on the paper in Kenny’s hand.

Waving the paper around for emphasis, Kenny answered: “Yup, I’m sick. She doesn’t know exactly, but it should be over with some rest.” Although deep down, Kenny knew it would take way ore than some rest to recover for this, but since there was no cure for My-boyfriend-saw-me-die-and-forgot-everything, he took whatever he could get.

“Oh okay. Then you better rest up, we have the presentation coming up.”

Butters seemed like he wanted to say something else, but stayed quiet in the end. He never stopped nervously wringing his hands. When he did that, he resembled Tweek a bit. How did Craig comfort Tweek when he was like this? What could Kenny do?

“Don’t worry, I’ll be there for the presentation,” Kenny assured him, ruffling the other boy’s hair as a last resort.

Butters closed his eyes a bit, leaning in to the touch for a second. His smile softened and the nerves seemed to let up.

_God, you’re making it so hard not to love you._

Other students started to fill up the halls, meaning lunch was almost over. Scraping his throat, Kenny retrieved his hand from Butters’ surprisingly soft hair. For a second, a lonely look crossed Butters’ face, but that might as well have been Kenny’s wishful thinking.

“I’m going now. See you soon.”

He felt the pull on his parka and turned around to see Butters holding the end of his sleeve. “Hey, don’t you need someone to escort you home? What if you get sick in the middle of the street.”

“Butters, it’s okay, really. I’ll manage. Class is starting soon, so you better go get your books.”

Butters nodded, a smile returning to his face. “If you’re sure. Just, message me or something when you get home.”

“Yeah, yeah, stop fussing,” Kenny heard himself say before throwing a small wave Butter’s way.

The walk home was extremely cold and unpleasant. There were too many curious onlookers on the street, wondering what a teenager was doing outside while he should be in school. It was a small town after all, so he definitely stood out, with his bright orange patched-up parka.

Finally, his aching legs managed to get him home. There was no need for a key, the door to the McCormicks had always been open since his deadbeat dad once destroyed the lock trying to get inside. He put the note on the kitchen table, so his parents would know he didn’t just skip school – not that they would be particularly interested. “I’m home,” he shouted, at no one in particular. At this time a day, there would be no one home. He opened up the door to his room and collapsed on the bed. There, with a chilling draft caressing his face, Kenny broke down. Utterly, completely. There was no one to hear his howling cries, no one to comfort him, no one to fill the gaping wound. He lay there for hours, until his throat became sore and could no longer produce sound. His swollen eyes unable to produce any more tears, because he used them all. Soundlessly he cried out to something to hear his prayers and give him back the one thing he desperately needed.

_Butters_. He whispered his name soundlessly, saying it out loud would hurt too much.

 

When night fell and his family members came home one after the others, they didn’t immediately notice him being absent from the dinner table. Only Karen came to knock at his door. In a soft voice she spoke: “Kenny? Are you there? Are you okay?”

Not wanting to worry his little sister, he replied in a hoarse voice. “Karen, I’m okay but I’m sick. Don’t come in, I don’t want to infect you.”

His raspy voice sold his sickness, and Karen promised to leave food, water and some medicine at the door if he needed it. Grateful for her efforts, he sighed a small thanks.

The next few days were a blur where Kenny barely ate and slept. He was tortured by thoughts, trying to find a way to either distance himself from Butters to spare any more heartache, or trick the curse and find a way to be with him, in whatever way possible.

For now, he decided to put all his effort into his mask. Soon, he had to return to school and face everyone. He had received a couple of texts and worried messages, most of them from Butters, but he hadn’t replied to any of them. Guilty as he felt, he just didn’t feel like it. He didn’t feel anything. After breaking down, all that was left was this empty husk that was just existing.

At one point, he had entertained the thought of just confessing to Butters again. He had accepted him once before, why would it not happen again. That thought had given him hope. But hope was deadly, even more deadly than the curse. Every time it came up, the memories of a fear-stricken Butters would flash before his eyes. Kenny was cursed to live with an endless cycle of pain and death, but he couldn’t put Butters through the same thing. He couldn’t let him experience dreadful fear time and time again. Only seeing it once already broke Kenny’s heart in a way it would never completely heal.

 

He never wanted a repeat of that.

 

Then the day to go back to school came. As always, Kenny dragged his tired body out of bed and made his way to the kitchen, quickly downing a couple Poptarts before kissing his sister goodbye and walking to the bus stop.

He was greeted by the all too familiar bickering of Stan, Kyle and Cartman. He didn’t really care what the argument was about, it just felt good to see nothing had changed. It was a small town, after all. Barely anything changed.

When they saw Kenny, they ran up to him, cheerfully wishing him a “welcome back.”

“You had us worried there for a second, dude,” Stan smiled.

“Yeah, sorry.”

“Pretty damn smart to fake an illness that long, Kenny,” Cartman winked.

They made some small talk and filled Kenny in on what he had missed the last couple of days, which wasn’t a lot. Clyde and Bebe had broken up again for the tenth time, Jimmy had played a prank on the teacher and they lost a whole hour of class because of the teacher’s rant, the cafeteria food made someone throw up and Cartman had his ass kicked by Wendy (“screw you guys, I let her win”).

By the time the bus arrived, Kenny was all caught up with the events of South Park high. Jittering nerves set in the moment he set foot on the bus, but he decidedly made his way forward. This is what he had practised for days after all. When he saw a tuft of blonde hair sticking out at the back of the bus, his feet carried him there before he even realised.

At the far end of the bus seat by the window sat a slightly gloomy blonde guy, staring outside the window at nothing in particular. Kenny awoke him from his pensive thoughts with the gentlest voice he could muster.

 

“Hey, Butters.”

Butters immediately turned towards the sound of his voice, eyes growing wide as a smile flashed across his adorable face.

“Kenny! You’re back.”

Kenny kept his smile in check, even though just seeing Butters again revived his dead heart.

“Yep, finally. Sorry to bail on you for so long. Are you ready for our presentation?”

Butters nodded excitedly, although it wasn’t the prospect of public speaking that had him riled up: “You betcha.”

He took a seat next to Butters to go over the last details, trying very hard not to stare too long at the features of the other boy.

 

_God, you’re making it so hard not to love you._

_I’m doomed._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is up so late, I'm terrible at updating WIPs. 
> 
> Anyways, this is where my planned writing ends, the only remark for the future chapters I have atm is "Ken gon teach him about the secc while pining"
> 
> So expect less angsty, lots of one-sided pining and some sexy times (if I ever figure out how to write those).


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